The
other day my friend Nathan informed me that to save money on rent,
he would be moving into a trailer on the outskirts of Geneseo, Ill.,
where he is the editor of the weekly newspaper. His future roommate,
the trailer's owner, is a lovelorn man of some 300 pounds. That's
a lot of man to pack into so small a space — "a double-wide
man in a single-wide trailer," as I said to Nathan. "That
sounds like a country song," he replied. "I'll expect to
see it on my desk Monday morning."
Here's
what I wrote.
• • •
An
acoustic guitar.
A
double-wide man in a single-wide trailer
Brought home a woman and he felt like a failure.
A double-wide man who was looking to score
Couldn't fit his big ol' behind through the door...
Drums,
slide guitar.
Well
it's lonely out here in old Geneseo
And as far as women go, it ain't Tennesee, so
Poor old Buck bought a ticket and he flew off to Reno
Where he found Lady Luck waiting at a casino
And
the hours went by and the chips stacked up
So Buck went to the counter and he emptied his cup
And the lady there was well-endowed with two nice pups
But she caught him looking, cashed him out and said 'Grow up!"
Well
he felt real bad and said "Please understand
That most of the time I'm a perfect gentle man
Just doin' my damndest to follow God's plan
But I've gained some weight of late and it's pain in the can
[A
fiddle, backing vocals.]
Cause
I'm a double-wide man in a single-wide trailer
If I ever find a woman then I'm destined to fail her
'Cause even if we both were drunk and looking to score
I couldn't fit my sorry bloated ass through the door
I'm
a double-wide man in a single-wide life
Just looking for a lady who could be my wife
But all I ever find is fatty foods and strife
I'm a double-wide man in a single-wide life."
• • •
Well
the lady looked at Buck and said "You seem real nice
And though your giant belly's temptin' me to say 'No dice,'
I'll make an offer, but think quick because I won't ask twice
You can take me to your single-wide, but for a price."
So
a wad of hundreds later they were on a plane
And in a jiffy they were home and drivin' straight down Main
But when they got inside the single-wide where they'd be stayin'
The lady realized that she was in for some pain
And
when she saw Buck naked she nearly turned green "That's the biggest
old belly that I've ever seen!"
He took one look at her and said "Well what do you mean?
Baby, this is just the gas tank for a sex machine!
• • •
Cause
I'm a double-wide man in a single-wide trailer
I've finally got a woman and I'm hopin' to nail her
And though there's still a chance that I will fail to score
The odds are always better if you've hired a whore
I'm
a double-wide man with a single-wide girl
Payin' twenty bucks an hour just to rock her world
I'm gonna ride her horse so hard it will make her hair curl
I'm a double-wide man with a single-wide girl."
• • •
So
to his bed the happy couple went to get it on
And they went at it just like rabbits till the break of dawn
And the room was cloaked in darkness 'cause the shades were drawn
So that you couldn't tell who was the whore and who the John.
But
a couple hours later there was nothing left to do.
The bed was crushed and broken; the lady said "We're through!
You double-wide freak, I've had enough of you!"
So she kissed him one last time and then she bid adieu.
Well,
she packed up her things and she started to go
He asked her, "Why'd you come babe? I'm a-dyin' to know."
She said "One, for the money, and two, for the show
Of you backing that big booty in through the door.
• • •
You're
a double-wide man in a single-wide trailer.
But when it's said and done I'd still prefer a sailor,
Or Hitler, or Stalin or Vlad the Impaler.
Just get me the heck out of this trailer."
And
that's when he said, "You just don't understand
You could never meets the needs of a double-wide man
With a double-wide heart and a double-wide hand
That'll wave goodbye to you and all your petty demands.
• • •
Cause
in the mirror it's clear that I'm double-wide
But if you'd only take a minute to look inside
You'd find a fella with a belly and a sense of pride
Who needs a lot more than a single to be satisfied
I'm
a double-wide man in a single-wide trailer
And I may have lost a woman but I ain't no failure
I'm a double-wide man and the next time I screw
I'll look my baby in the eye and say ...
I
— love — you!
• • •
Fiddle
solo. Flourish. Fin.
