ann coulter pickup lines

Hello, I'm Ann Coulter, the leggy conservative bombshell who competed as "War Emblem" in last year's Kentucky Derby. In my spare time recently I wrote Slander, a bestselling tome that demonstrates my prowess as a writer of fiction. But truth be told, many of my friends tell me I'm even better at a different, less public skill: picking up men. Honestly, people approach me almost every day on the street and ask: "Satan, how do you do it?" For a long time I resisted sharing my finely calibrated one-liners with the world, but among the most oft-repeated liberal lies about the American right is the old canard that we have no clue when it comes to romance. Balderdash, I say — and to prove it, here are a dirty dozen of my time-tested pickup lines, with one hardly necessary caveat: What follows is to be used only in the establishment of chaste courtships not to be consummated outside the bonds of holy, opposite-sex matrimony.

Cheers,
Ann

• • •

1. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again and make fun of Bill Clinton?

2. Can I borrow a quarter? I want to amass a fortune and not share it with those less fortunate than myself.

3. What's your favorite breakfast food? (Answer.) Good, I just wanted to know what you'd be making for us in the morning while I scour the New York Times for bias.

4. Are you tired? Because you've been running through my dreams all night whacking liberals.

5. I hope you know CPR, because pro-life rhetoric like yours takes my breath away.

6. You're out of this world — are your parents aliens? Because if so, they should be deported.

7. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I right next to G, O and P.

8. Were you dropped on a foreign nation, claiming 150,000 civilian casualties? Because you look like the bomb.

9. When I first saw you I almost had to call an ambulance because you made my heart stop. Well, you and my loathing for Colin Powell.

10. If you were words on paper, you'd be the fine print — although not quite as fine as the print in the footnotes section of my recent book, "Slander."

11. Are you from Tennessee? (Answer.) Well you must be, because you're the only ten I see — with the possible exception of the ten Democrats over there I want to take out back and shoot.

12. Wanna play war? I'll lay down, and you can blow me away! Meanwhile, I'll be chatting with Don Rumsfeld about our strategy in Iraq.

• • •

Ann Coulter is a conservative commentator and occasional contributor to newt:case. Her latest book, Slander, is now available in giant stone tablets.

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