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The subversive and controversial nature of newt:case became apparent when, a mere day after it was launched, the entire website was blocked by the Chinese government. I learned this from newt:case China correspondent The Danimal, who reports as follows: Hey buddy, Glad to see the site is finally up and running. One caveat: The Chinese government has blocked access to your site. When I go to www.newtcase.com, a screen pops up that's all in Chinese characters, none of which I can read. Suffice to say, I'm sure it reads: "Due to Casey Newton's former website taking cheap shots at China (foreigners bribing policemen, Coolio living here), we feel it is in the best interest of the Chinese people if you did not visit his site. Thank you and good day." Disturbing news, to be sure, and merely one more piece of evidence in newt:case's quiet but tireless efforts to revoke the Most-Favored Nation status of this archaic Communist police state. But at the same time, in honor of our being censored, newt:case has decided to reprint the offending articles, both of which were penned by The Danimal himself in the summer of 2000. Together, we will end China. SHANGHAI: A GANGSTA'S PARADISE Coolio, the Grammy-winning rap star and force behind such hits as "Fantastic Voyage" and "Gangsta's Paradise," has been in Shanghai for the last month or so taping a movie with a name like Shanghai Strike Force or China Strike Force or something. He's been staying at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, where a few of my friends live (It's a hotel and apartment complex), and we've seen him around the lobby a few times. On Saturday, my friends and I were walking between bars when we saw him and his gigantic roommate/bodyguard standing around, checking out women. My friend Acid somehow knew Coolio's roommate, so he yells, "Kevin!" and waves at the guy to get his attention. So Coolio and the Roommate come over and start talking to us, and decide to follow us to a club called Babylon. Thanks either to good fortune or subconscious design, I usually manage to avoid hanging out with unattractive girls while I'm in China. My friends tonight were no exception, and Coolio immediately took to hitting on them. While we were dancing he kept rubbing up against them and groping them, until, one by one, they all stopped dancing to get away from him. A half hour later, we left Babylon for a tiny bar down the road. We did not invite Coolio or Kevin-o to come along, but they followed nonetheless. At the bar, a place called Comrades (think "Cheers" with a Communist slant), my friend Julia and I were sitting at a table talking when Coolio sits down next to her and joins the conversation. It was obvious that he was directing his chatter only in Julia's direction, so I remained silent most of the time he was there. Here is a recap of the conversation between them: Coolio: So wassup, how old
are you? At this point Coolio leaned in and started talking softly to Julia, and decency did not permit her to repeat much of what he said. But we do know that among the topics covered were "Do you have a boyfriend?", "Why don't you come back to my hotel room with me?" and "I can do things to you that nobody's ever done before." ("Give me genital herpes?" was Julia's reply). Coolio did not take Julia home that night. We left the bar and went back to Babylon while Coolio latched onto three Chinese hookers, who were apparently enthralled by the rapper's rapier wit. • • • MY FRIEND NAZITA IS THE DAUGHTER OF THE SPANISH CONSULATE GENERAL This past week I had my first encounters with death and the Chinese police. At least, my first this summer (I was taken to a police station once before for my involvement in a bar fight that got a little out of hand). First, since my dad's been out of town and I've been alone here in Shanghai, I've started driving our car on the weekend. I've done this without incident, due more to luck than driving skill. On Saturday, though, I was driving home from a friend's house going about 130 k.p.h. on an 80 k.p.h. highway when the car in front of me got smacked by a car making an illegal left. I was on the inside lane of the highway, and there was a car on my right, so I couldn't swerve that way. I didn't have enough time to break, so I went into the oncoming traffic lane, where I saw a car barreling down the road at me (more likely, I was barreling towards it, but thanks to Einstein's theory of relativity, I can say that I was sitting still and this car was coming at me at over 200 k.p.h.). I swerved left again, and made it past the accident without destroying anything but my nerves. I pulled over to the side of the road to calm down, and a policeman who had seen the mess came over and knocked on my window. I rolled my window down and he asked me for my license. The last time this happened (a few weeks ago), I drove off and nothing ever came of it, but this time I was in no condition to be involved in a high speed chase, so I pulled out my wallet and gave the officer my Ohio driver's license wrapped in a 100 yuan ($12.50) bill. He gave me my license back and motioned for me to keep on going. That night, I went out (taking a taxi) with a bunch of my friends and we did our regular deal of getting juiced up at a bar until about midnight and then hitting the clubs. We were having a good time until about 2 a.m., when 10 cops ran into the club screaming and lining everyone up against the wall. Acid tried to offer one of the cops a bribe to let us all get out, but the cop just pushed him up against the wall and pulled out his nightstick. Acid shut up pretty quick. Luckily, and unbeknownst to me, my friend Nazita is the daughter of the Spanish consulate general, and she had her passport with all the stamps screaming diplomatic immunity with her. She showed that to an officer, and he let us all leave. |